1.03.2014

Fear

Writing this post kind of scares me.
Thinking about other people reading this post kind of scares me.
Admitting this post contains truth kind of scares me.

But if there is one this this past year has taught me, it's that being afraid, nervous or downright scared doesn't have to stop me from pushing on and going after what I want.  Too often we let our fears become stronger than our strengths, and it is then that we have lost momentum - not when we were afraid in the first place.

I was talking to my coach the other day about a weight loss plateau I have been on and how frustrating it has been for me.  I have lost 50-some pounds but I can't seem to jump from 50 pounds lost to 55 pounds lost - I'm stuck in between.  I am very proud of the fact that I haven't gained the weight back, but I have bigger goals than 50 pounds and it's time to get on with them! 

As we were talking, I realized something - I'm scared.

This is the first time in years that I can remember seeing anything below 200 on the scale.  I honestly don't remember when the scale jumped from 199 to 200 - I have been on the plus side of 200 for years and I have gotten quite used to it.  

When I set out a year ago to lose weight, I looked forward to the day (even if I wasn't sure I would ever see it) that I would get below 200.  I set an overall goal of getting to 180 pounds, but in my mind the biggest goal was 199 - and even that seemed unreachable.  Over several months I slowly chipped away at the 200s and watched the number on the scale drop.  One day, it finally happened: I got on the scale and saw 199 staring back at me!

I was ecstatic.  I was happy.  Proud.  Elated.  Scared.

I'm not sure I even realized it at the time, but I was scared.  The truth of the matter is, I had gotten used to weighing over 200 pounds.  Sometimes people were surprised that I was over 200 (or at least acted so), but I knew that anytime I stepped on a scale I would be 200-something.  Although I didn't like it, I had become comfortable there.  It was me, and I was it and that's where my body felt 'normal'.  Being under 200 would seem like an entirely different person.  Again, I'm not sure I realized all these things as I was losing weight.  I had my eye on the prize: 199.

I've been around 199 for what seems like months now - and the number just won't go down.  Why is that?  I work out - I eat well - I drink Shakeology - I'm actively helping other people lose weight!  I feel better, I feel confident and pretty and proud.  I know that I'm doing the right things but why isn't the scale moving?  All these are things I've been pondering for the last couple weeks - and just the other day in my conversation with Melanie I figured it out.  (Here's where this post comes full-circle.)

Losing more weight kind of scares me.
Admitting this to you kind of scares me.
Admitting this to Melanie kind of scared me.

Why does it all kind of scare me?

I don't know who I am under 200 pounds.  For so long I have been over 200 that I don't know how to make the mental leap into the 190s and even the 180s.  I don't know who that 185 pound Ashley is going to be - what she's going to look like - how she's going to feel.  Being over 200 pounds was normal for me - being under 200 pounds is something different and I don't know what to do with it.

Am I alone in feeling like this?  Have you ever felt like you're subconsciously holding yourself back from success because you're just not sure how you'll handle it?  Do you wonder who you'll be or what you'll feel like if you achieve your biggest dream?

That's what I'm dealing with right now, but through contemplating this over the last couple days and through writing this post I have realized something.  I don't have to know how I'm going to feel and I don't have to know how I'm going to look in order to make the leap.  I can be nervous, but instead of hiding behind the nerves I can use them to my advantage.  If hitting 187 is truly a goal of mine, I need to give it everything I've got.  I can't only use my strengths; I have to be willing to use my weaknesses, fears and faults as well.  I can use them to make me better.  Stronger.  Less scared.  More proud.

This is where I am today - where I will be tomorrow, I'm not sure.  But I can tell you this much: I am DONE getting in my own way and I am DONE with letting the fear control me.  A couple days ago I mentioned that one of my New Years Resolutions for 2014 was to be at 180 by May 1st (you can read that whole post here).

Right here, right now, I am publicly recommitting to this goal.  This WILL happen.  I will hit this goal and I will learn who I can be under 200 pounds.  I can tell you this much - I'm going to enjoy this ride and love the woman I meet on the other side of the 190s!  My own fear is not going to get in my way anymore; I'm using it to fuel the fire and you can mark my words - my journey is JUST beginning with health, fitness, nutrition & Beachbody.  

I can't wait to see where it takes me - and where I take it!!!

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